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« Ramblings From A Cracked (by the LPP) M&M
Since Furley Made Noise....
Here's something to hopefully make you guys laugh...
*A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM*
*If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.*
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified her self as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
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THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY: I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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Sep 30, 2008 1:04 PM
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I know what to get you for Christmas now Mannie!!!!
Maybe I'll even spring for a lifetime membership! Oh maybe not ~ I'm not that mean!
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Sep 30, 2008 1:16 PM
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You better get me a membership to a gym with diamonds on the floor!!!
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Sep 30, 2008 1:21 PM
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Yes the people are work were asking me if everything was alright I was laughig so hard even though I had seen the a few years back. Just picturing this is so funny. Hey Mannie & Julie how are you? I haven't been responding much because this site is so SLOW.
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Sep 30, 2008 1:26 PM
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Oh so funny. I was laughing so hard, tears were running down my face. I can relate. Chuck and I used to walk a mile every night.....then we took our vacations and I don't know....stopped. sigh. Have a wonderful day, Mannie Annie and everyone else.
xoxo, Zia
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Sep 30, 2008 1:27 PM
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That was hilarious. Thanks for that.
Please TVG get this site fixed for all of us! Didn't there used to be a contact us link?
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Sep 30, 2008 1:52 PM
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Hey Joey. This site is super slow lately and it makes it hard to hang out. I wonder what's causing it. At first, I thought it was just me, but it's not.
Glad you like it Zia. I always say I'm going to start walking... tomorrow and tomorrow just never gets here.
I don't know Cindy, but there should be. You'd think they have to know how slow this place is.
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Sep 30, 2008 1:56 PM
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Hi Mannie:
Great blog. Friday's diary entry was the funniest. I enjoyed the laughs.
Hello to Julie and Zia. How are you ladies doing?
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Sep 30, 2008 2:21 PM
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Hey Mannie Annie and Julie and Cindy and NY and Mr. Furley....I swear I can do a load of laundry between the time I try to pull this site up and it finally pops up. Lord love a duck. There must be bugs in the system. Anyone know a good exterminator? Maybe it's the stock market. Maybe it's the phase of the moon - lunar interference. Hang in there...it's just got to get better.
xoxo, Zia
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Sep 30, 2008 2:24 PM
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Hi Mannie, joey(we don't care if you spell stuff wrong!), Zia, Cin, Furley and Lady Bug!!
Well I'm doing much better than yesterday! Sitting and waiting for a doctor appointment for my husband for 2 hours first thing in the morning made me so tired all day yesterday!
Hi Lady Bug ~ You have given me hope that maybe my husband will get disabilty someday. I am so glad that you got it.
I know I am weird but I actually like exercising as long as my back isn't killing me. And it tries to kill me if I don't excersise! I do mostly just stretching stuff now that my treadmill broke! (And it's not from animal hair stuck in the treadmill Mr Furley!!)
Hee maybe it is from the stockmarket Zia ~ All hell is breaking loose! (And they thought they had us contained!)
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Sep 30, 2008 3:03 PM
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Hey Lady Bug......I'm fine, thank you for asking. Just watching the news and the economic mess and the stockmarket and confused presidential hopefuls and the price of milk and toilet paper rising every single day and I don't know what all. How are you?
Julie....the voice of reason....so, what exercises do you do for your back? I will try them.
xoxo, Zia
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Sep 30, 2008 5:02 PM
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Becareful you do the right exercises for your back like Dr. Dentons or you will make it worse. But the right ones do wonders.
Well, I've had my allotted frustration time here. I did find a contact us link on groups and I wrote them - not that it will do any good, but it's worth a shot.
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Sep 30, 2008 5:16 PM
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Cindy to the rescue as usual....thanks Cindy...you're a gem. I Still Think You Should Run For President!!
xoxo, Zia
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Sep 30, 2008 6:02 PM
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......my treadmill broke! (And it's not from animal hair stuck in the treadmill Mr Furley!!)
I would NEVER imply that!!! You meant cobwebs, right?? Gotta go!!
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Sep 30, 2008 6:21 PM
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